Jokes, Poems, & Stories
| In The News - Humorous News Quips |
| In The News - Edited Excerpts
As part of his new ad campaign, Bob Dole gives Viagra 3 thumbs up! Who would have guessed 2 1/2 years ago that Clinton would be denying he had sex, and Bob Dole would be out there bragging? (Leno) Surveys show President Clinton's post impeachment rating topped 70%, which is pretty amazing when you consider his approval rating in his own family is only 50%. (Leno) I wonder if Linda Tripp taped the Lewinsky testimony... Georgia's Supreme Court has overturned the state's anti-sodomy law. In related news, Atlanta has been added to Monica Lewinsky's upcoming book tour. The wife of Minnesota Gov Jesse Ventura said she worried about her role as the state's first lady. She added, "But let there be no mistake, my husband wears the purple tights in this family." The Washington Speakers Bureau has announced that it has signed former House Speaker Newt Gingrich as a client on the lecture circuit. His fee will be $50,000. His subject is free speech. Apparently, Linda Tripp told Monica Lewinsky in those taped conversations that she hasn't had sex with anyone in seven years. Isn't that amazing? That means at some point in 1991, some guy got drunker that any man in history. (Leno) Yo-yo's have gained popularity this year - how else would you explain Gov. Jesse Venture, Rep. Mary Bono and the Donny and Marie talk show? There is a new proposal in Los Angeles to fine people who don't show up for jusr duty. They'd fine you up to $1,500. This is probably the only city in the world where they're harder on the jurors than they are on the criminals. (Leno) In Long Island, Amy Fisher has demanded a new trial. Boy, Mary Jo Buttafuoco needs this like a hole in the head. Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flint has opened a sex boutique on Sunset Boulevard. It carries lingerie and features a full coffee bar. Sort of gives new meaning to the term "bottomless cup of coffee..." (Leno) A New York woman is suing Starbucks because she says she received third degree burns from its coffee. She's asking for $1 million, or as the coffee house calls it, three double lattes. Another woman is suing McDonald's claiming that she found a condom in her chicken sandwich. A spokesman for McDonald's said, "That's just our new sandwich, McRibbed." (O'Brien) The Banana Republic chain is going to open stores catering to plus sized people. They going to call it Banana Split Republic. (Leno) The recently announced merger between Exxon and Mobil could create the world's second largest gas company. Number one would be Taco Bell. After reading comments published in a magazine, rap singer Puff Daddy's producer "D-Dot" was arrested for beating up the magazines editor. D-Dot pleaded innocent, saying, "Hey, c'mon, we weren't beating him up. We were just remixing his face." (O'Brien) Sinead O'Connor and U2 have combined their talents to raise money for a charity album benefiting the victims of Northern Ireland's worst bombing, which would be the last albums by Sinead O'Connor and U2. (O'Brien) Due to the popularity of the movie "You've Got Mail", Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will star in a sequel, "You've Made Bail." Ex-Mousketeer Darlene Gillespie was recently found guilty of committing mail fraud and perjury. M I C, See ya in seven to 10... According to the tabloids, Martha Stewart has gotten breast implants. Well, that's great! Think of all the time she'll save not having to iron the old ones! In Maine, a man lost in a snowstorm was rescued when a helicopter's heat sensor was able to zero in on his lit cigarette lighter. Tobacco companies were quick to point out that smoking saved the man's life. According to a new survey, 35% of people sleep on their right side, 26% of people sleep on their left side. The remainder don't know, because, well... they are sleeping at the time. A department store in Minnesota is trying to catch a woman who has stolen more then $1,000 worth of size 44-D bras. Police are looking for the woman, as is every other guy in town. (O'Brien) The American Physical Society is honoring a first year college student in California who has calculated that the mass of the Milky Way isn't as great as originally believed. Apparently, earlier measurements overestimated the amount of creamy nougat inside. 7-Eleven stores announced they will begin carrying a selection of 39 wines. Now, remember guys - red wine with beef jerky, white wine with fish crackers. A new study reports that vitamin E can help cure memory loss. Or was it vitamin D? |
