Jokes, Poems, & Stories
| Customer Service Humor |
| During 12th grade, I read up a book called "Stupid Mac Tricks." One
of the tricks in it was how to replace the Mac's startup screen. As a
joke, I made a graphic of a black-bordered white box with a gray
background. The text in the box read, "This computer will self-
destruct in ten seconds. Thank you, Apple Computer Co." I made this
the startup screen for a computer in my high school's computer lab.
The next day an "out of order" sign was taped to the monitor. The lab attendants usually wrote the reason on the bottom edge of the paper, so I leaned in to read what had been written there. It said, "Will self-destruct." .............. Customer: "I want to get the new Netscape from you people." Tech Support: "I'll need to charge your account $30." Customer: "What do you mean? I pay for this service." Tech Support: "We're providing the registered version of Netscape. Netscape charges us, so we have to charge you." Customer: "Well, my son is a socialist and I spent a year in Spain. What do you have to say to that?" Uh.... Customer: "I thought so." [click] ............... Tech Support: "Hi, this is tech support. I was returning your support call." Customer: "Sorry, we don't sell lobsters to the public." ............... I once saw a person with a spreadsheet in front of him. The spreadsheet had a few lists of numbers, and he was adding them manually by punching them into a calculator. ............... Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?" Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting." Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!" Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?" Customer: "What's that?" ................ Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing. I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over here." ................ I got a call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her mouse would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a message when booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power off the PC, disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the mouse functioned fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly, "Why did your software unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to the lady that that was not possible and that all it waswas a loose connection. It wasn't good enough for her. She put her husband on, who asked, "Why did your software decide my computer didn't need a mouse?" Again, trying to explain the loose connection was of little use, and he wanted another number to call to return the software. .................. Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??" Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?" Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!" ................. I was doing Excel support at Microsft shortly after Win95 came out. Someone called and needed some help on Excel. He told me he had left the computer for a few minutes, and when he came back, the "devil" had "possessed" his computer. He told me it was bubbling all over the place, and the devil was in his monitor. I told him to move the mouse. The devil left. It was the screen saver. .................. Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?" Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me." Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle] Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e." Tech Support: "Oh, sorry." ................... I'm working as a tech support person at a Finnish newspaper printing and publication house, and we have several reporters that submit their files via a dial-in modem line directly to our layout system. Once one of the reporters wanted to call the tech support because the modem wasn't answering his calls, but the call was answered by a computer illiterate. Reporter: "It seems that...eh, modem's out again." Computer Illiterate: "Oh, just a minute. I'll go look for him." He proceeded to page the whole company through the central P.A. system. Computer Illiterate: "Mr. Modem, Mr. Modem, there's a call for you." My co-worker intercepts, trying hard to keep a straight face. Co-Worker: "Mr. Modem is on vacation. He won't be back till August." The computer illiterate returns to the phone and tells the reporter that our modem is on vacation till August. ...................... I have a Mac friend that convinced the other IBM people at his company that when the token ring network went down, it was due to someone removing the cable and the token falling out. He actually had businessmen on the floor looking for it. I think he eventually stated he found it himself to avoid getting lynched. ....................... I recently visited the site of a company which shall remain unnamed and was frustrated by the extremely slow screen refresh as I scrolled through the page. I investigated and discovered that instead of declaring a plain green background color for the page, they had created a one pixel GIF image which was 'tiled' as a background. ........................ Customer: "I can't seem to send any email." Tech Support: "What are you doing to send it?" Customer: "I write it down on a piece of paper, slide it into the slot on the front of my computer, and click on 'send mail'." ....................... Customer: "I can't send an email. Is the Internet full?" ........................ Tech Support: "How fast does your modem go?" Customer: "It's not moving, it's just sitting there." |
