Jokes, Poems, & Stories
| You Know You're Getting Old When... |
| People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap; to see if you're breathing.
You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages; but can't remember WHY you wanted it. You get to work before you discover; you forgot to get dressed. You reach the toilet; you forgot what you wanted to do. Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable; under your armpits. You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about. YOUR spare tire is larger than your car's. You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned; in favor of a living specimen. Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep. You are declined as an organ donor; you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional. Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..." Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man." Going to the bathroom at night used to require, shoes, a candle and a corn cob. The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit; "The Evolution Of Man." The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party; in case the candles on your cake get out of hand. George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, "It's just you and me, kid." Update: "Now it's just you, kid!" The dictionary adds your picture; under the definition of "octogenarian." You had to get rid of your dog; he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you. Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage. You can't be tried by a jury of your peers; because there are none. Universities inquire about your donating your body to science; they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations. You try to donate to a sperm bank; but they insist they require live specimens. Everyone is happy to give you a ride; because they don't want you behind the wheel. Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures. Your bifocals need bifocals. You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld; because they may be too intense. A passing funeral procession pauses; to see if you need a lift. You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you; but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion. Young girls feel safe in your presence; knowing you couldn't possibly do anything. Watching paint dry has a certain fascination. Children often innocently ask you; "What did people do before electricity?" And you can't remember. You can remember seeing double features; for a nickel; sometimes with sound. Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses; since you were there. You are often asked to give a personal account; of the story of creation. You often repeat things... You often repeat things... You often repeat things... You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. |
