Jokes, Poems, & Stories
| Teacups or Clay |
| There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores.
They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.
One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful."
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. "You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red and I was clay.
My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'let me alone, but he only smiled, 'Not yet.' "Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.'
Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head, 'Not yet.'
Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool.
'There, that's better,' I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag . 'Stop it, stop it!' I cried. He only nodded, 'Not yet.'
Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed.
I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, 'Not yet.'
Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf.
One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, 'Look at yourself. And I did.
I said, 'That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm
beautiful.'
'I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.
I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over,but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long
because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product.
You are what I had in mind when I first began with you.
MORAL: God knows what He's doing (for all of us). He is the Potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will. No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not tempt you beyond what you can bear... |
| You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When... |
| 1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. 2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization." 3. You refer to dating as test marketing. 4. You can spell "paradigm." 5. You actually know what a paradigm is. 6. You understand your airline's fare structure. 7. You write executive summaries on your love letters. 8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points. 9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know. 10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review. 11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." 12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital. 13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." 14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line." 15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses." 16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15. 17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. 18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost." 19. You refer to your significant other as "my Co-CEO." 20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey. 21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. 22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend. 23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. 24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. 25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity. 26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills. 27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. 28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and Internet connection. 29. You give constructive feedback to your dog. |
| Why It's Great To Be a Guy |
| Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase You can open all your own jars Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go You can go to the bathroom alone Your last name stays put You can leave a hotel room bed unmade You can kill your own food The garage is all yours You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment" You never have to clean the toilet You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes Wedding plans take care of themselves If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3 None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry You don't have to shave below your neck You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night If you're 34 and single, no one notices Chocolate is just another snack Flowers fix everything You never have to worry about other's feelings Three pair of shoes are more than enough You can say anything and not worry about what people think You can whip your shirt off on a hot day Car mechanics tell you the truth You don't give a shit if someone doesn't notice your new haircut You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "he must be mad at me" One mood, all the time You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him Same work........more pay Gray hair and wrinkles add character Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks You don't care if someone is talking behind your back You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's If you retain water, it is in a canteen The remote is yours and yours alone You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you're a jerk If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny |
| You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... |
| You ski uphill.
You speed walk in your sleep. You answer the door before people knock. You sleep with your eyes open. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake. You lick your coffeepot clean. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet. You don't need a hammer to pound nails. You don't sweat, you percolate. You've worn out the handles on your favorite mug. You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. People can test their batteries in your ears. When someone asks you," How are you?", you say," Good to the last drop." Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. Your Thermos is on wheels. You can outlast the Energizer Bunny. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." |
| 30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life |
| 1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address
book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two
on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2.You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers. 4.You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 5.You disdain people who use low baud rates. 6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 7.You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it. 9.You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. 10.You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 11.You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature. 12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-). 13.You back up your data every day. 14.Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse. 15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. 16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. 17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind. 18.You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts. 19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names. 20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. 22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes. 23.Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. 24.You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are. 25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old. 26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. 27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. 29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*. 30.You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. |
| Death of an Innocent |
| I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would. I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should. I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight. As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece. Because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet. I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road, the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me like a load. As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom, and now I'm the one who will pay. I'm lying here dying, Mom.. I wish you'd get here soon. How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll die in a short time. I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn't think. He was probably at the same party as I. The only difference is, he drank and I will die. Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life. I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife. The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think it's fair. I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare. Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive. If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very scared. Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there. I have one last question, Mom, before I say good bye. I didn't drink and drive, so why am I the one to die? |
| The Present |
| Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400.
It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening
deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the
day.
What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!!!! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today. To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a pre-mature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident. To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history Tomorrow is mystery Today is a gift That's why it's called the present!! |
| Online Too Much |
| You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off. You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say? You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book? You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names ? You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online? You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord.... You have been online 852 minutes, do you KNOW how many HOURS that is???" You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit. You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take it literally. Now get the Hell off before we go broke! You have been on 1,013 minutes. This is Steve I need to sign on myself and answer some mail. Could you please sign off? Thanks! You have been cybering for 1059 minutes. Didn't your mom ever tell you that'd make you go blind? Please sign off now while you can still read this message. You have been on 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? Geez click ok already!!! You have been on 1151 minutes. Welcome to our team... see job application enclosed. ( if you can't beat em hire em ) but don't return by email. |
| I'll Do Anything To Be With You |
| Do you love me, or do you not? You told me once, but I forgot, So tell me now and tell me true, So I can tell you......... I do love you! Of all the girls I've ever met, You're the one I won't forget. And if I die before you do, I'll go to Heaven and wait for you. If you are not there by judgment day, I'll know you went the other way, I'll give the angels back their wings, And risk the loss of everything, Just to prove my love is true, I'll go to Hell to be with you." |
| A Poem |
| The sky was dark the moon was high all alone just her and I Her hair so soft her eyes so blue I knew just what she wanted to do Her skin so soft her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine I didn't know how but I tried my best I started by placing my hand on her breast I remember my fear my fast beating heart but slowly she spread her legs apart And when I did it I felt no shame all at once the white stuff came At last it's finished it's all over now my first time ever at milking a cow. Got Milk? What were you thinking? ;-) |
| A Child's Angel |
| Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. So one day he asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?
God smiled at the little soul and answered, “Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She will be waiting for you and will take care of you.” Still wondering, the child continued, “But tell me, here in Heaven, I don't do anything else but sing and smile, that's enough for me to be happy.” God answered, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and be happy.” “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don't know the language that men talk?” the child asked. God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.” “And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?” “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.” “ I've heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?” “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.” “But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.” “Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.” At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth could already be heard, and the child in a hurry asked softly: “Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.” “Your angel's name is of no importance, you will call your angel: ‘Mommy’ ” |
| Computer Terms |
| BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite abit."
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging aboutyour computer skills. BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list. CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals. COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much timeat the computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!" DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip. DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer. ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look." EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals. FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes. FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips"). HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer. IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant. MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school. PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it. RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half. TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers. WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up. |
| Psych Color Sex Test |
| Before you read the following test, decide what your favorite color
is. No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it? Ok, read
on...
Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life : The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1996 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns. RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware. YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is gay. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire. PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg. PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification. BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire. GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity. ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they arethe star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back. BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair. GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven. BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a babygrand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests. WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals. |
| The Most Dangerous Snake in the World |
| NAME: Expecteria Trousers (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies. SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an ncurable disease and subsequent death. HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men. WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED: TROUNCE: Do not apply a trounce as the venom is too deep in the body to be effective. CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow. SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success. MILKING THE SNAKE: Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes. CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet. |
| For those who are analytically inclined to prove EVERYTHING... |
| As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding & etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 0.00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-lb. Santa (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he'sdead now. |
| Good, Bad, Worse |
| Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other. Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman. Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it. Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband. Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.. Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes. Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds. Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them. |
| One Liners |
| · Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? · I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! · "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." · Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. · I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. · The gene pool could use a little chlorine. · C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. · We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. · Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. · Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! · Did anyone see my lost carrier? · Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. · I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! · He who laughs last thinks slowest! · Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. · Give me ambiguity or give me something else. · "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" · A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. · Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths. · Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. · There's too much blood in my caffeine system. · Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. · Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! · Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. · Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. · Double your drive space - delete Windows! · What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? · Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. · Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. · I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. · Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. · I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. · Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. · When there's a will, I want to be in it. · Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? · Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. · We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? · All generalizations are false, including this one. · Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. · "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. |
| "President Clinton's Testimony" by Dr. Seuss |
| I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her 'round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I wouldn't, even with my wife And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry I did not do it last November But if I did, I don't remember I did not do it in the hall I could have, but, I don't recall I never did it in my study I never did it with my dog, Buddy I never did it to Sox, the cat I might have-once-with Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms. Betty Currie There was no sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least, not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count, if we stayed dressed It never happened with a cigar I never dated Mrs. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my Mama taught me I tried to hide, but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, never did inhale. |
| "Cold" is a Relative Term |
| Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night * 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) * 50 Miami residents turn on the heat * 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts * 40 You can see your breath * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans go swimming * 35 Italian cars don't start * 32 Water freezes * 30 You plan your vacation to Australia * 25 Ohio water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Minnesotans eat ice cream * Canadians go swimming * 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * New York City water freezes * Miami residents plan vacation further South * 15 French cars don't start * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you * 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going * 5 American cars don't start * 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts * -10 German cars don't start * Eyes freeze shut when you blink * -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects * Miami residents cease to exist * -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof * Japanese cars don't start * -25 Too cold to think * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * -30 You plan a two week hot bath * Swedish cars don't start * -40 Californians disappear * Minnesotans button top button * Canadians put on sweaters * Your car helps you plan your trip South * -50 Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * -80 Hell freezes over * Polar bears move South * Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game * -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets |
| Calling For Technical Support |
| Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now. (Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor) Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that yousit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir) Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway. (Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety) Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours. (Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times) Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. (Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.) Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers. (Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.) Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise. |
| Famous Words |
| "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before
he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973. "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz. "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944. "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9. "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954. "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind. "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test. "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine. "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases. "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s. "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945. "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912. "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914. "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899. "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s. |
| Green, Pink and Yellow |
| A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right
by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the
law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?" |
| New Drugs for Men |
| With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole
line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of
men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and little accidents. COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors. LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. |
| If God Had a PC... |
| In the beginning, there was the computer.
And God entered: C:\>Let there be light! Enter user ID C:\>God Enter password C:\>Omniscient Invalid password Enter password C:\>Omnipotent And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. C:\>Let there be light! Unrecognizable command C:\>Create light Done C:\>Run heaven and earth And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light Unrecognizable command. Try again. C:\>Create firmament Done. C:\>Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. C:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear Too many characters in specification string. Try again. C:\>Create dry_land Done. C:\>Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night Unspecified type. Try again. C:\>Create sun_moon_stars Done C:\>Run sun_moon_stars And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. C:\>Create fish Done C:\>Create fowl Done C:\>Run fish, fowl And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. C:\>Create cattle Done C:\>Create creepy_things Done C:\>Now let us make man in our image Unspecified type. Try again. C:\>Create man Done C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth Too many command operands. Try again. C:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 6 errors.. C:\>Insert breath Done C:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 5 errors. C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist. Abort, Retry, Ignore? C:\>Create Garden_of_Eden Too many parameters C:\>Create Garden.edn Done C:\>Move man to Garden.edn Done C:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 4 errors. C:\>Copy woman from man Done C:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 2 errors. C:\>Create desire Done C:\>Run multiplication And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. C:\>Create freewill Done C:\>Run freewill And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. C:\>Undo desire Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. C:\>Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. C:\>Help Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. C:\>Create good, evil Done C:\>Activate evil And God saw he had created shame. Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors. C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman Search failed. Abort, Retry, Ignore? C:\>Delete shame Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. C:\>Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. C:\>Stop Unrecognizable command. Try again C:\>Ctrl_Break C:\>Ctrl_Break C:\>Ctrl_Break ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. C:\>Create new world You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. C:\>Destroy earth Destroy earth: Please confirm. C:\>Destroy earth confirmed COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. On Saturday, March 7, God rested. On March 8, God created Macintosh. And God saw that it was GOOD. |
| 45 Fun Things to Do on a Paper You Don't Care About |
| 1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big
fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual. 3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door. 4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada. 5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas. 6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style. 7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds". 8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it. 9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists. 10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right? 11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original. 12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography. 13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk. 14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'. 15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period. 16. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.) 17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices. 18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon. 19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road. 20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes. 21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos. 22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera- style, and hand that in. 23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies. 24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work. 25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee.. 26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say. 27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia. 28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall. 29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments. 30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time. 31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading. 32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class. 33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had. 34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie. 35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins. 36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}. 37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource. 38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out. 39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it. 40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists. 41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky". 42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's. 43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild. 44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in. 45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action." |
| If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer... |
| If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and
start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU... |
| You Know It's Time to Join E-Mail Anonymous When... |
| 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
you're-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom. 3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You laugh at people with 28.8 baud modems. 6. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 7. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 8. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 11. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask. 12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 13. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html 14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) |
| 10 Top Things That Piss Me Off |
| 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is, buddy: where the heck is yours? Do I point at my
crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick. 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". That's dumb! What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? 5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 6. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, dick nose: I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the frikken ceiling up there. What did you come here for? 7. The radio ad, "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake. 8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? 9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole: you pulled me over. |
| You Know You're Getting Old When... |
| People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap; to see if you're breathing.
You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages; but can't remember WHY you wanted it. You get to work before you discover; you forgot to get dressed. You reach the toilet; you forgot what you wanted to do. Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable; under your armpits. You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about. YOUR spare tire is larger than your car's. You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned; in favor of a living specimen. Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep. You are declined as an organ donor; you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional. Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..." Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man." Going to the bathroom at night used to require, shoes, a candle and a corn cob. The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit; "The Evolution Of Man." The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party; in case the candles on your cake get out of hand. George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, "It's just you and me, kid." Update: "Now it's just you, kid!" The dictionary adds your picture; under the definition of "octogenarian." You had to get rid of your dog; he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you. Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage. You can't be tried by a jury of your peers; because there are none. Universities inquire about your donating your body to science; they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations. You try to donate to a sperm bank; but they insist they require live specimens. Everyone is happy to give you a ride; because they don't want you behind the wheel. Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures. Your bifocals need bifocals. You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld; because they may be too intense. A passing funeral procession pauses; to see if you need a lift. You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you; but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion. Young girls feel safe in your presence; knowing you couldn't possibly do anything. Watching paint dry has a certain fascination. Children often innocently ask you; "What did people do before electricity?" And you can't remember. You can remember seeing double features; for a nickel; sometimes with sound. Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses; since you were there. You are often asked to give a personal account; of the story of creation. You often repeat things... You often repeat things... You often repeat things... You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. |
| I Didn't Know That! |
| In Baltimore, in the mid 1800's there was a man who sold corpses
to the hospital for research. He stored the cadavers in cheap
whiskey to ferment them before turning them over to the
researchers. He then sold the whiskey to the medical students...
thus the term "rot gut."
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in- law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon." Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb." In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the Navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice. |
| Upgrading |
| Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0
and found it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other
applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning
Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No
mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product
documentation, though other users have informed me this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lock-up when launched (even though the other applications worked fined before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: A "don't remind me again" button. Minimize button. Ability to delete the "headache" file. An install feature that provides an option to uninstall Version 2.0 without loss of other system resources. An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective. I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me this is a long-standing problem I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1.0 and 2.0. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0! VIRUS ALERT!!! All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0 - Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and "never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems. FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!! |
| The Top 14 Ways Things Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars: |
| 1. A particular model year of car wouldn't
be available until AFTER that year, instead of
before. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car'95 or car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car... Wait a sec, it's that way NOW! 6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. 7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out. 10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm). 11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur. 12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of GIVING them. 13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size butt. 14. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models. |
| "Work" Virus |
| There is a new virus going around, called
"work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all,
whether via email, internet or simply handed to
you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper- document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life. |
| Chocolate Test |
| IF YOU WERE BUYING CANDY AND YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE OF THE
FOLLOWING WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
BABY RUTH 3 MUSKETEERS BUTTER FINGERS SNICKERS HERSHEY'S ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS CLARK BAR GOOD'n'PLENTY ENERGY BAR CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS. OK - NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR CHOICE, THIS IS WHAT RESEARCH SAYS ABOUT YOU!!! And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down....!!!! So think carefully, what your choice will be!!! BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little eat like an icecream cone at the end of the day. 3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. BUTTER FINGERS - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker -- others should be cautious in shaking hands! HERSHEY'S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close. ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS--Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you. CLARK BAR--You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. GOOD'N'PLENTY--You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person. ENERGY BAR--You are very active. You are so active, life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum. CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS--You go to the bathroom often. |
| Alternate Motto's for The States Comprising The United States |
| · Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity · Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! · Arizona: But It's a *Dry* Heat · Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing · California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. · Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother · Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet · Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water · Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids · Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism · Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum But Leave Your Money) · Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well OK, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good · Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" · Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free · Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn · Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States · Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names · Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign · Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster · Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It · Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Some Tax Brackets) · Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against Canada · Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes · Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State · Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work · Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else · Nebraska: At Least The Cows Are Sane · Nevada: Strippers, Lounge Lizards, and Poker! · New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone · New Jersey: You Want A @#$%&! Motto? I Got Yer @#$%&! Motto Right Here! · New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets · New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... · North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable · North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! · Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan · Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing · Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner · Pennsylvania: Acceleration Ramps - What's That? Civil Engineers - Who Needs Them! · Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island · South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender · South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota · Tennessee: The Educashun State · Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles · Utah: Our Snow Is Better Than Your Snow · Vermont: Yep · Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? · Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! · West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really! · Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese · Wyoming: The nation's best beef cattle. Watch where you step |
| Bumper Stickers |
| · Dain bramaged · Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway · Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel · Boldly going nowhere · CAUTION - Driver legally blonde! · Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends · He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged · Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window! · How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? · Axe me about Ebonics · CATS The other white meat · Don't be sexist - broads hate that · I'm an imbecile and I vote · Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch · If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now · Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it! · WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition · Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ***? · If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! · Your gene pool needs a little chlorine. · You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you! · Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. · JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores! · You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT · Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date! · Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. · Grow your own dope, plant a man · All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets · Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. · I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. · WANTED Meaningful overnight relationship. · BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore. · I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? · Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. · All men are idiots....I married their king. · The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. · IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got. · Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. · Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. · Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. · Hang up and drive. · Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. · I took an IQ test and the results were negative. · Where there's a will...I want to be in it. · It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. · We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse. · Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. · Consciousness That annoying time between naps. · Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? · Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home. · Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else. · Honk If You Want To See My Finger · 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. · If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. · I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. · Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! · Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? · Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. · If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. · My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that. · EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later. · Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. · If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. · Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. · God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. · Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. · Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! |
| Hello! Welcome to The Psychiatric Hotline! |
| If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line. If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names. If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later. If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you! |
| Decoding Windows Error Messages |
| WinErr: 000 Not Errors found [Retry] [Reboot] WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr: 006 Malicious error - OS/2 found on drive WinErr: 007 System price error - Not enough money spent on hardware WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 80MB WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More! WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr: 016 Unable to exit Windows. Try door ! WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows license is not valid anymore. WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost. WinErr: 021 Error displaying error message. You cannot see this error. WinErr: 026 Error - Your computer is too fast for Windows. Decrease the speed of your computer. WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr: 049 Cannot open Windows - Bugs will come in. WinErr: 055 Hard disk full. Windows cannot write a swap file. Buy another hard disk. WinErr: 056 CPU is too tired to continue WinErr: 057 Processor meltdown. Too hot inside a computer. WinErr: 077 Joystick not found. Please click joystick button 1 to continue WinErr: 078 Keyboard not found. Please press F1 to continue WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr: 703 Error exiting Windows. System does not fit through that window. A window with a size 169 Mb is needed. WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 64,312,583 Bytes available WinErr: FFF Error buffer full - Windows cannot display any more error messages. |
| Customer Service Humor |
| During 12th grade, I read up a book called "Stupid Mac Tricks." One
of the tricks in it was how to replace the Mac's startup screen. As a
joke, I made a graphic of a black-bordered white box with a gray
background. The text in the box read, "This computer will self-
destruct in ten seconds. Thank you, Apple Computer Co." I made this
the startup screen for a computer in my high school's computer lab.
The next day an "out of order" sign was taped to the monitor. The lab attendants usually wrote the reason on the bottom edge of the paper, so I leaned in to read what had been written there. It said, "Will self-destruct." .............. Customer: "I want to get the new Netscape from you people." Tech Support: "I'll need to charge your account $30." Customer: "What do you mean? I pay for this service." Tech Support: "We're providing the registered version of Netscape. Netscape charges us, so we have to charge you." Customer: "Well, my son is a socialist and I spent a year in Spain. What do you have to say to that?" Uh.... Customer: "I thought so." [click] ............... Tech Support: "Hi, this is tech support. I was returning your support call." Customer: "Sorry, we don't sell lobsters to the public." ............... I once saw a person with a spreadsheet in front of him. The spreadsheet had a few lists of numbers, and he was adding them manually by punching them into a calculator. ............... Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?" Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting." Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!" Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?" Customer: "What's that?" ................ Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing. I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over here." ................ I got a call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her mouse would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a message when booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power off the PC, disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the mouse functioned fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly, "Why did your software unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to the lady that that was not possible and that all it waswas a loose connection. It wasn't good enough for her. She put her husband on, who asked, "Why did your software decide my computer didn't need a mouse?" Again, trying to explain the loose connection was of little use, and he wanted another number to call to return the software. .................. Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??" Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?" Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!" ................. I was doing Excel support at Microsft shortly after Win95 came out. Someone called and needed some help on Excel. He told me he had left the computer for a few minutes, and when he came back, the "devil" had "possessed" his computer. He told me it was bubbling all over the place, and the devil was in his monitor. I told him to move the mouse. The devil left. It was the screen saver. .................. Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?" Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me." Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle] Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e." Tech Support: "Oh, sorry." ................... I'm working as a tech support person at a Finnish newspaper printing and publication house, and we have several reporters that submit their files via a dial-in modem line directly to our layout system. Once one of the reporters wanted to call the tech support because the modem wasn't answering his calls, but the call was answered by a computer illiterate. Reporter: "It seems that...eh, modem's out again." Computer Illiterate: "Oh, just a minute. I'll go look for him." He proceeded to page the whole company through the central P.A. system. Computer Illiterate: "Mr. Modem, Mr. Modem, there's a call for you." My co-worker intercepts, trying hard to keep a straight face. Co-Worker: "Mr. Modem is on vacation. He won't be back till August." The computer illiterate returns to the phone and tells the reporter that our modem is on vacation till August. ...................... I have a Mac friend that convinced the other IBM people at his company that when the token ring network went down, it was due to someone removing the cable and the token falling out. He actually had businessmen on the floor looking for it. I think he eventually stated he found it himself to avoid getting lynched. ....................... I recently visited the site of a company which shall remain unnamed and was frustrated by the extremely slow screen refresh as I scrolled through the page. I investigated and discovered that instead of declaring a plain green background color for the page, they had created a one pixel GIF image which was 'tiled' as a background. ........................ Customer: "I can't seem to send any email." Tech Support: "What are you doing to send it?" Customer: "I write it down on a piece of paper, slide it into the slot on the front of my computer, and click on 'send mail'." ....................... Customer: "I can't send an email. Is the Internet full?" ........................ Tech Support: "How fast does your modem go?" Customer: "It's not moving, it's just sitting there." |
| Don't Dick With The I.R.S. |
| To: All Male U.S. Citizens From: I.R.S. Service Center Re: Notice of increase in tax payments The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. Plus,... it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts. Effective January 1, 2000 your penis will be taxed according to size. ------- The categories are as follows: ------- 10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00 8 - 10 Pole Tax 25.00 5 - 8 Privilege Tax 15.00 4 - 5 Nuisance Tax 3.00 Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Sincerely, Dick M. Goode I.R.S |
| Idiots... |
| IDIOTS AT WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side." |
| In The News - Humorous News Quips |
| In The News - Edited Excerpts
As part of his new ad campaign, Bob Dole gives Viagra 3 thumbs up! Who would have guessed 2 1/2 years ago that Clinton would be denying he had sex, and Bob Dole would be out there bragging? (Leno) Surveys show President Clinton's post impeachment rating topped 70%, which is pretty amazing when you consider his approval rating in his own family is only 50%. (Leno) I wonder if Linda Tripp taped the Lewinsky testimony... Georgia's Supreme Court has overturned the state's anti-sodomy law. In related news, Atlanta has been added to Monica Lewinsky's upcoming book tour. The wife of Minnesota Gov Jesse Ventura said she worried about her role as the state's first lady. She added, "But let there be no mistake, my husband wears the purple tights in this family." The Washington Speakers Bureau has announced that it has signed former House Speaker Newt Gingrich as a client on the lecture circuit. His fee will be $50,000. His subject is free speech. Apparently, Linda Tripp told Monica Lewinsky in those taped conversations that she hasn't had sex with anyone in seven years. Isn't that amazing? That means at some point in 1991, some guy got drunker that any man in history. (Leno) Yo-yo's have gained popularity this year - how else would you explain Gov. Jesse Venture, Rep. Mary Bono and the Donny and Marie talk show? There is a new proposal in Los Angeles to fine people who don't show up for jusr duty. They'd fine you up to $1,500. This is probably the only city in the world where they're harder on the jurors than they are on the criminals. (Leno) In Long Island, Amy Fisher has demanded a new trial. Boy, Mary Jo Buttafuoco needs this like a hole in the head. Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flint has opened a sex boutique on Sunset Boulevard. It carries lingerie and features a full coffee bar. Sort of gives new meaning to the term "bottomless cup of coffee..." (Leno) A New York woman is suing Starbucks because she says she received third degree burns from its coffee. She's asking for $1 million, or as the coffee house calls it, three double lattes. Another woman is suing McDonald's claiming that she found a condom in her chicken sandwich. A spokesman for McDonald's said, "That's just our new sandwich, McRibbed." (O'Brien) The Banana Republic chain is going to open stores catering to plus sized people. They going to call it Banana Split Republic. (Leno) The recently announced merger between Exxon and Mobil could create the world's second largest gas company. Number one would be Taco Bell. After reading comments published in a magazine, rap singer Puff Daddy's producer "D-Dot" was arrested for beating up the magazines editor. D-Dot pleaded innocent, saying, "Hey, c'mon, we weren't beating him up. We were just remixing his face." (O'Brien) Sinead O'Connor and U2 have combined their talents to raise money for a charity album benefiting the victims of Northern Ireland's worst bombing, which would be the last albums by Sinead O'Connor and U2. (O'Brien) Due to the popularity of the movie "You've Got Mail", Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will star in a sequel, "You've Made Bail." Ex-Mousketeer Darlene Gillespie was recently found guilty of committing mail fraud and perjury. M I C, See ya in seven to 10... According to the tabloids, Martha Stewart has gotten breast implants. Well, that's great! Think of all the time she'll save not having to iron the old ones! In Maine, a man lost in a snowstorm was rescued when a helicopter's heat sensor was able to zero in on his lit cigarette lighter. Tobacco companies were quick to point out that smoking saved the man's life. According to a new survey, 35% of people sleep on their right side, 26% of people sleep on their left side. The remainder don't know, because, well... they are sleeping at the time. A department store in Minnesota is trying to catch a woman who has stolen more then $1,000 worth of size 44-D bras. Police are looking for the woman, as is every other guy in town. (O'Brien) The American Physical Society is honoring a first year college student in California who has calculated that the mass of the Milky Way isn't as great as originally believed. Apparently, earlier measurements overestimated the amount of creamy nougat inside. 7-Eleven stores announced they will begin carrying a selection of 39 wines. Now, remember guys - red wine with beef jerky, white wine with fish crackers. A new study reports that vitamin E can help cure memory loss. Or was it vitamin D? |
| Things You Wish You Could Say at Work: |
| 1. Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of crap. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. It'll be ready Thursday - now, which Thursday is another question. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. No, my powers can only be used for good. 24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication. 25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be? |
| Notice To Americans of Revocation of Independence from The Government of her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II |
| To the citizens of the United States of America: In the
light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason. 4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 5. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 6. Stop referring to the "World Series" of Baseball and instead call it the "USA, Cuba and Japan Championship" 7. Learn to enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. |
| Taken from the Langa List |
| Signs of The Times: |
| 1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting started." 3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. 4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" 6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa ,but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 8.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG files of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 9.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone IS home. 10.) Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 11.) You buy a computer and a week |