I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge head first into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I don't get paid overtime.
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious Diseases.

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the Administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the Workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes".

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean house and fix the disposal." Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and Announced to the passengers,"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said,"In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

"Tray-up, Bitch."

1. The speed of light is generally rounded down to 186,000 miles per second. In exact terms it is 299,792,458 m/s (metres per second - that is equal to 186,287.49 miles per second).

2. It takes 8 minutes 17 seconds for light to travel from the Sun's surface to the Earth.

3. October 12th, 1999 was declared "The Day of Six Billion" based on United Nations projections.

4. 10 percent of all human beings ever born are alive at this very moment.

5. The Earth spins at 1,000 mph but it travels through space at an incredible 67,000 mph.

6. Every year over one million earthquakes shake the Earth.

7. When Krakatoa erupted in 1883, its force was so great it could be heard 4,800 kilometres away in Australia.

8. The largest ever hailstone weighed over 1kg and fell in Bangladesh in 1986.

9. Every second around 100 lightning bolts strike the Earth.

10. Every year lightning kills 1000 people.

11. In October 1999 an Iceberg the size of London broke free from the Antarctic ice shelf .

12. If you could drive your car straight up you would arrive in space in just over an hour.

13. Human tapeworms can grow up to 22.9m.

14. The Earth is 4.56 billion years old...the same age as the Moon and the Sun.

15. The dinosaurs became extinct before the Rockies or the Alps were formed.

16. Female black widow spiders eat their males after mating.

17. When a flea jumps, the rate of acceleration is 20 times that of the space shuttle during launch.

18. -------

19. If our Sun were just inch in diameter, the nearest star would be 445 miles away.

20. The Australian billygoat plum contains 100 times more vitamin C than an orange.

21. Astronauts cannot belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

22. The air at the summit of Mount Everest, 29,029 feet is only a third as thick as the air at sea level.

23. One million, million, million, million, millionth of a second after the Big Bang the Universe was the size of a ...pea.

24. DNA was first discovered in 1869 by Swiss Friedrich Mieschler.

25. The molecular structure of DNA was first determined by Watson and Crick in 1953.

26. The first synthetic human chromosome was constructed by US scientists in 1997.

27. The thermometer was invented in 1607 by Galileo.

28. Englishman Roger Bacon invented the magnifying glass in 1250.

29. Alfred Nobel invented dynamite in 1866.

30. Wilhelm Rontgen won the first Nobel Prize for physics for discovering X-rays in 1895.

31. The tallest tree ever was an Australian eucalyptus - In 1872 it was measured at 435 feet tall.

32. Christian Barnard performed the first heart transplant in 1967 - the patient lived for 18 days.

33. The wingspan of a Boeing 747 is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

34. An electric eel can produce a shock of up to 650 volts.

35. 'Wireless' communications took a giant leap forward in 1962 with the launch of Telstar, the first satellite capable of relaying telephone and satellite TV signals.

36. The earliest wine makers lived in Egypt around 2300 BC.

37. The Ebola virus kills 4 out of every 5 humans it infects.

38. In 5 billion years the Sun will run out of fuel and turn into a Red Giant.

39. Giraffes often sleep for only 20 minutes in any 24 hours. They may sleep up to 2 hours (in spurts - not all at once), but this is rare. They never lie down.

40. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

41. Without its lining of mucus your stomach would digest itself.

42. Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14 and crayfish have 200.

43. There are 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body.

44. An individual blood cell takes about 60 seconds to make a complete circuit of the body.

45. Utopia ia a large, smooth lying area of Mars.

46. On the day that Alexander Graham Bell was buried the entire US telephone system was shut down for 1 minute in tribute.

47. The low frequency call of the humpback whale is the loudest noise made by a living creature.

48. The call of the humpback whale is louder than Concorde and can be heard from 500 miles away.

49. A quarter of the world's plants are threatened with extinction by the year 2010.

50. Each person sheds 40lbs of skin in his or her lifetime.

51. At 15 inches the eyes of giant squids are the largest on the planet.

52. The largest galexies contain a million, million stars.

53. The Universe contains over 100 billion galaxies.

54. Wounds infested with maggots heal quickly and without spread of gangrene or other infection.

55. More germs are transferred shaking hands than kissing.

56. The longest glacier in Antarctica, the Almbert glacier, is 250 miles long and 40 miles wide.

57. The fastest speed a falling raindrop can hit you is 18mph.

58. A healthy person has 6,000 million, million, million haemoglobin molecules.

59. A salmon-rich, low cholesterol diet means that Inuits rarely suffer from heart disease.

60. Inbreeding causes 3 out of every 10 Dalmation dogs to suffer from hearing disability.

61. The world's smallest winged insect, the Tanzanian parasitic wasp, is smaller than the eye of a housefly.

62. If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and the Earth would be as small as a pea.

63. It would take over an hour for a heavy object to sink 6.7 miles down to the deepest part of the ocean.

64. There are more living organisms on the skin of each human than there are humans on the surface of the earth.

65. The grey whale migrates 12,500 miles from the Artic to Mexico and back every year.

66. Each rubber molecule is made of 65,000 individual atoms.

67. Around a million, billion neutrinos from the Sun will pass through your body while you read this sentence.

68. ...and now they are already past the Moon.

69. Quasars emit more energy than 100 giant galaxies.

70. Quasars are the most distant objects in the Universe.

71. The saturn V rocket which carried man to the Moon develops power equivalent to fifty 747 jumbo jets.

72. Koalas sleep an average of 22 hours a day, two hours more than the sloth.

73. Light would take .13 seconds to travel around the Earth.

74. Males produce one thousand sperm cells each second - 86 million each day.

75. Neutron stars are so dense that a teaspoonful would weigh more than all the people on Earth.

76. One in every 2000 babies is born with a tooth.

77. Every hour the Universe expands by a billion miles in all directions.

78. Somewhere in the flicker of a badly tuned TV set is the background radiation from the Big Bang.

79. Even travelling at the speed of light it would take 2 million years to reach the nearest large galaxy, Andromeda.

80. The temperature in Antarctica plummets as low as -35 degrees celsius.

81. At over 2000 kilometres long The Great Barrier Reef is the largest living structure on Earth.

82. A thimbleful of a neutron star would weigh over 100 million tons.

83. The risk of being struck by a falling meteorite for a human is one occurence every 9,300 years.

84. The driest inhabited place in the world is Aswan, Egypt where the annual average rainfall is .02 inches.

85. The deepest part of any ocean in the world is the Mariana trench in the Pacific with a depth of 35,797 feet.

86. The largest meteorite craters in the world are in Sudbury, Ontario, canada and in Vredefort, South Africa.

87. The largest desert in the world, the Sahara, is 3,500,000 square miles.

88. The largest dinosaur ever discovered was Seismosaurus who was over 100 feet long and weighed up to 80 tonnes.

89. The African Elephant gestates for 22 months.

90. The short-nosed Bandicoot has a gestation period of only 12 days.

91. The mortality rate if bitten by a Black Mamba snake is over 95%.

92. In the 14th century the Black Death killed 75,000,000 people. It was carried by fleas on the black rat.

93. A dog's sense of smell is 1,000 times more sensitive than a humans.

94. A typical hurricane produces the nergy equivalent to 8,000 one megaton bombs.

95. 90% of those who die from hurricanes die from drowning.

96. To escape the Earth's gravity a rocket need to travel at 7 miles a second.

97. If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill an Olympic sized swimming pool.

98. Microbial life can survive on the cooling rods of a nuclear reactor.

99. Micro-organisms have been brought back to life after being frozen in perma-frost for three million years.

100. Our oldest radio broadcasts of the 1930s have already travelled past 100,000 stars.

1. Never lie, and never let anyone cause you to lie. Truth, or the pursuit of it, is all we have.
2. Never do anything you are ashamed of. If you're ashamed that means somewhere inside you think it's wrong; and if you think it's wrong, you shouldn't be doing it.
3. Take full responsibility for yourself. You are the only one who can say what goes into or comes out of your body.
4. Always admit when you're wrong. You'll save thousands in therapy later -- and a few friendships too.
5. Change your mind as often as possible. Just because you thought something yesterday doesn't mean you have to think it today. Don't ever become a prisoner of your own opinion.
6. Beware of anyone who says they know. Trust me, they don't, or they wouldn't have to say they did.
7. Take care of yourself first, then your family, then your friends. And if you have anything left over, share it.
8. Do something, anything, every day to change the world. It doesn't have to be big, it could be giving a dime to a street person, planting a flower, picking up litter. Anything will change the world.
9. When you have nothing better to do, smile. You'll have to trust me on the miracle this step brings.
10. Make a bit of time every day to be alone and think. Five or ten minutes is enough. It will keep you sane.
11. Have all the sex you want -- safe sex. Get lust out of your way. It's the only way I know to make sure you fall in love for the right reasons. And I want you all to find true love.
12. Learn something new every day. Read a newspaper article that you wouldn't normally read. Open a dictionary to a word you never heard, or never understood.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (Invented by someone's mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - - so you carefully, but quickly, drape it around your neck, (Mom would turnover in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants , and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the EMPTY toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mom's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "OCCUPIED!" you scream, as you reach for the door dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly on the TOILETSEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet se at because, frankly, dear,"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged into. At that point, you give up. You are soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

Now, you can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out apiece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it into the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed,he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (REST??? - You've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Good Luck!!!

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you feel the true warmth.

PS: And always remember... when life hands you lemons; ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

First, we survived being born to mothers, who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because..
We Were Always Outside Playing!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back, when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!

The idea of a parent bailing us out, if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You may want to share this with others, who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you're at it, send it to your kids, so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do.

1. Uh-oh.....
2. Shit!!
3. What the hell!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this.....
7. Hey!! The suns don't do this.
8. Terminated??!
9. What software license?
10. Well, it's doing something.....
11. Wow....that seemed fast.....
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that pop...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do *that* before...
26. I think it should not be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today ...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Ooops.
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. "Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, my files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
39. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
40. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
41. We're standardizing on AIX.
42. Wonder what this command does?
43. What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
44. You did what to the floppy???
45. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
46. NO! Not that button!
47. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
48. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
49. [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this running?"
50. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
51. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
52. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
53. What's this switch for anyways...?
54. Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
55. Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
56. If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
57. Was that your directory?
58. System coming down in 0 min....
59. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
60. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
61. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
62. The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
63. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a Monday afternoon.)
64. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip without triping the breaker.
65. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
66. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
67. Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
68. The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after dinner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline...)
69. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
70. Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
71. I hate it when that happens.
72. And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
73. Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
74. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
75. You can do this patch with the system up...
76. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
77. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
78. Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
79. What do mean by "fired"?
80. hey, what does mkfs do?
81. OK, let's set cron to clear out the user's home directories every night...
82. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
83. ...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this...
84. don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ SHIT
85. what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
86. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
87. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
88. now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
89. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
90. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
91. SMIT makes it all so much easier......
92. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
93. I don't care what he says, I'm not having it on my network
94. We don't support that. We won't support that.
95. ...and after I patched the microcode...
96. You've got TECO. What more do you want?
97. We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
98. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...
99. Next week we're ditching these UNIX machines and moving to Windows NT. Now won't that be exciting?
100. I don't care if your machine's crashed! I just lost another life!
101. When I were a lad I'd have given an arm and a leg for that much filestore.

1. Unless you're working in a coal mine, an emergency ward, or their equivalent, spare us the sad stories about your tough job. The biggest risk most of us face in the course of a day is a paper cut.

2. Yes, your boss is an idiot at times. So what? (Do you think your associates sit around and marvel at your deep thoughts?) If you cannot give your boss basic loyalty, either report the weasel to the proper authorities or be gone.

3. You are paid to take meaningful actions, not superficial ones. Don't brag about that memo you sent out or how hard you work. Tell us what you achieved.

4. Although your title may be the same, the job that you were hired to do three years ago is probably not the job you have now. When you are just coasting and not thinking several steps ahead of your responsibilities, you are in dinosaur territory and a meteor is coming.

5. If you suspect that you’re working in a madhouse, you probably are. Even sociopaths have jobs. Don't delude yourself by thinking you'll change what the organization regards as a "turkey farm." Flee.

6. Your technical skills may impress the other geeks, but if you can’t get along with your co-workers, you're a litigation breeder. Don't be surprised if management regards you as an expensive risk.

7. If you have a problem with co-workers, have the guts to tell them, preferably in words of one syllable.

8. Don’t believe what the organization says it does. Its practices are its real policies. Study what is rewarded and what is punished and you'll have a better clue as to what's going on.

9. Don't expect to be perfect. Focus on doing right instead of being right. It will simplify the world enormously.

10.If you plan on showing them what you're capable of only after you get promoted, you need to reverse your thinking.

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"

" Hilo , Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admiring them peas. They sure look good."

"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"

"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admiring them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.

"Not zackley but almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble" . Mr. Miller told the boy.

"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor
circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store."

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for
marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned
that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt."

"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ."

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles :
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.

It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. His Mother was sure He was a God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of new and innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Ea t sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Number 19
TRY SAYING: I'll get right on it!
INSTEAD OF: Go f___ yourself!

Thank You,
Human Resources